There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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