She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
