I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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