I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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