You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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