somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
