He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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