trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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