You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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