You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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