Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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