We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
nutella sex= disaster
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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