Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
