I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
