I wish my penis had an off switch
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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