Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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