I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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