Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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