how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
