You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He passed out mid-signature
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
