Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
