Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
