OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
