I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I deserve this hangover.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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