no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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