So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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