false alarm. still invincible.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
