I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
