White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
