Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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