doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
