is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
