my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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