I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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