awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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