i'm signing you up for texting rehab
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
