Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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