Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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