OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
