He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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