so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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