after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed š
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You told him he ācould park his dick in your garageā.
Well he didnāt. It shouldnāt be this hard to get a penis.
Itās like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
