I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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