my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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