Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
