i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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