White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
