I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
