dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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