Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
